I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You smell like stripper and shame
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
