Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
3 2 1 whiskey
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
