6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
sarcasm needs its own font
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
