I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
