i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
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