can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
