the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
