what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
