I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
