My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize