my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
