Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
