If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
