I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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