i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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