I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
