Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
