Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
