This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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