no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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