I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just puked most of my soul out..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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