and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
A+ Viking dick
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize