I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
