He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
