Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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