I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
