You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
