why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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