life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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