the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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