so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
