I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
