I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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