exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
