T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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