Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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