Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
