you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
