he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
