I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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