just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
