one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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