Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
