Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
