Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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