My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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