it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
