theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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