My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
