he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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