i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
