True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
