I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sober January is a disaster.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Randomize
