I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i love accidental penises.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
