You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize