My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
