i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
