Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
