maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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