Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
